Satire- Government Bans

Satire- Can banning everything that's harmful save millions?

            Another shooting in Mike Rotch High school has once again left our nation in shock.  The government has finally decided that they are fed up with all of the violence and the violent natures of these students.  Therefore, the US government has officially decided to end all of the violence once and for all by abolishing the second amendment and taking away all guns from houses.  They've decided after much consideration (Because guns can kill people that they should be treated as equals to humanity) that all guns are to be persecuted to the full extent of the law.  Any American made guns are to be melted down and made into steel polls for which will be sold in Las Vegas for $50 per foot.  Other foreign-built weapons (Such as Italy's Berretta series, Russia's  Kalashnikov AK series, and Belgium's FAL series) are to be deported to their countries of origin.  Fortunately for the people, the government said nothing about taking away knives, scissors, kitana blades no longer than seven and a half feet, and chainsaws or harmful blunt objects, such as Baseball bats, sledge hammers, or the porcelain top of the bathroom toilets.  Other Americans are happy that they'll still have their lighters, hand grenades, AT mines, Claymores, SMAW rocket launchers and RPG-9s.  But don't worry! Congress has already said they are working on a ban for blunt, sharp, fire-related, and explosive objects as they are all equally as dangerous.  The government then found that they could also prevent a number of other deaths just by banning simple retail products.

            The United States Dept. of Transportation shows that the number of people who have died from automobile accidents have increased over 57% over the past year according to Fox republican fear news.  The government had soon figured out a way to keep all Americans safe knowing that because of the fact that the news corporations that they had purchased the previous year had allowed them to strike fear into the hearts of Americans, allowing them more power to make sure all Americans are safe.  Congress had soon began drafting a bill to prevent the creation and distribution of automobiles throughout the United States.  Alan Mulally, President and CEO of Ford Motor industries stated the following during a press conference in Detroit: "I'm personally all for the passage of this law, as I've found that aside from the dangers that driving and owning an automobile comes with, it had recently occurred to me that an American worker can't build an automobile worth anything anymore.  The only way I'll be able to maintain my riches is if I join the rush over to the pollution-infested China where I can destroy all the atmosphere I'll ever want and the workers will work an entire day for a nickel. And where me and my other associates could possibly catch Bird flu and die in the next few months."  This exit was then greeted with enthusiastic cheers from the crowd.  One of which was noted of saying: "Good job sir, giving up our country's economy for the safety of Americans everywhere! Yay!"  Intelligence suggests that Mr. Mulally is serious about his immigration to China.  Henceforth, with no further automobile production, no more car accidents.  People are much safer walking fifteen miles to their jobs now.  Especially since they won't be able to be mugged as no one has any sort of harmful weapons.  The government had soon realized how easy and how obvious it had become to reduce the American people's freedoms in order to induce safety into the citizen's lives. 

            The national Food and Drug administration has done partnered research with the American Red Cross and has stumbled upon some astonishing findings which were later presented to congress in a presentation given by representatives from both the FDA and the ARC.  It seems that the effect of all types of food has the exact same effect as cigarettes, crack, and heroine in which some are morbidly attracted to food.  As well, silverware gives the same satisfaction of delivering food to one's mouth as it is while delivering a cigarette to one's mouth.  Therefore, the government is passing legislation that bans all edible products from our country as well as melting down silverware to be used to make random steel plates for no apparent reason, though the people insist that the government has a plan of what to do with these random steel plates.  Democratic-Socialist Mark Carl, stated the following plan for the mass production of steel: "The government has decided after much careful planning and a few hundred actually competent congressmen later that we would sell these beautiful steel structures to benefactors such as China and North Korea."  Once again, Mr. Carl was asked to attempt a seat for presidency.  Now with no food and no silverware, people are becoming much thinner than ever before, obesity is soon to be extinct, and there is now an overflow of models volunteering to be on the cover of popular magazines such as Sports Illustrated.  Recently obesity sufferer Chelsea  Summers now model stated the following in a Hollywood press conference: "You know I weighed somewhere about one hundred two pounds before, but now that there's no food to get me fat, I'm down to twenty six pounds and I've never felt better!"

            The United States has been radically improved in every way since the first bans have come about.  The government has now reverted back to the violence issue.  Sure, people have no guns or weapons of any kind to kill each other with, but they've decided that violent thoughts are generated through outside sources, such as video games and movies.  This idea that such games or movies including any kind of violent nature, be it fist fighting, shooting, or hateful language are to be banned from all retail and all currently circulating games with any content of the like are to be recalled from all households.  The government isn't stopping there good citizens. Oh no.  They've decided that some board games or card games can lead to violent or immoral behavior.  Chess is banned as it is believed to be an allegory for war strategy, and Risk is banned as it encourages violent military takeover.  Hungry, Hungry Hippos is banned because it encourages gluttony, as is all of the Kirby© games.  Poker and Texas Hold Em' and other money-related card games are said to encourage greed, as are games such as Life and Monopoly.  Some games are banned for other reasons outside immorality.  Tag is banned because it encourages victimization, so does Sorry! and Trouble. Dodge ball is banned because it is exclusionary, so are other social sports like Baseball, Football, Soccer, and any other ball-related games.  Fox Republican fear news reporters interviewed some of the children to see what they thought.  One little boy at Little Richard Elementary said the following:  "I think it's great that we aren't allowed to do any of the things that we didn't realize were wrong to do in the past.  The government saved us from our own ignorance."  It's great to see kids mature so fast.  It's going to be great when they're the ones running this beautiful country. 

            There you have it ladies and gentleman.  The government has successfully eliminated all forms of violent, gluttonous, dangerous, and immoral behavior from the American nation.  So if you're trying to pick a government to trust; why not this one?