Are you a health freak?

Are you a health freak?
If you answered yes to any of these questions.  You should not a have children or force them to eat the same things you do.

Are you allergic to pretty much everything?
Do you not let your kids drink soda no matter what?
Are certain foods 'free' of anything?
If you do drink soda, is the only soda you buy 'diet'?
Are you American?
Are you worried about your children's health before they were ever born, let alone know what's good and bad for them?
Do you force your child to eat the things they love without the things they love?
Are you constantly looking at new diets?
Is everything you hate bad for you?
Do you want to live to be 100?
Are you vegetarian? (Hitler was a vegetarian)

If you answered yes to any of these questions, save your children the turmoil of having to live with your stupid, self-conscious ass and don't have children.  You're a disgusting, disgrace of an American.  We wouldn't be the kind of consumerist, capitalists we are today with our nearly unlimited amount of food if the dumbasses like you are running it.  Remember, every time a morbidly obese person goes on a diet, thousands of snack cakes factory workers are laid off.  Don't let these poor families go hungry.  Get fat my fellow Americans.  It's how you're supposed to be.  Fat.  I love fat people.  Where would our great world be without fat people.  I mean, so many famous TV stars are fat.  Rodney Dangerfield, Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Sam Kinison, John Pinette, Gabriel Iglesias, Danny DeVito, and Alec Baldwin.  Maybe you could join these wonderful jolly people.

Mason's memorable quotes planning sheet

"Killing one person may save the lives of several others."
"Wishing that your enemy was dead just proves that you don't have the drive to do so yourself."
"If your enemy wants you to take them down 'like a man'.  Say screw manhood, being a child was more fun anyway.  Then shoot the bastard and walk away."
"If someone loves you enough but denies it, remember that they will always love you on the inside."
"There is a very fine line between tough, brave, and stupid.  That line differs depending on how headstrong you are."
"Physical strength can never match the raw power of mental dissection."
"In the words of Lieutenant General George S. Patton Jr.  'If we're all thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking'."
"No one hurts my friends and live to brag about it.  Dare kill my friends, and I will burn you alive and piss on your ashes."
"Going public with someone's illegal affairs is the same as spitting inside a helmet."
"I'd smack you if you weren't so damn good at everything."
"I'm not drunk enough yet.  But trust me, I'm working on it."
"I drink to heal wounds left by painful memories."
"I can tell you're not afraid of me, but you will be when you're headfirst in a cesspool."
"Being drunk is not the same thing as being happy."
"I enjoy advocating drinking, drug abuse, shooting your guns in the air, and even lighting things on fire."
"Burning a book does not save a tree, it waists paper."
"Optimist says the glass is half full, pessimist says it's half empty, an engineer will say the glass is twice the size it needs to be."
"I feel like I'd be good friends with Tennessee.  We both like the same things.  Guns, explosives, and women."
"Not saying your out of ammo is the same as telling your foe you're out of ammo."
"God damn it..."
"Tennessee.  Give my best regards to Alfred Nobel."
"Go to bed listening to punk rock, and you may wake up with a Mohawk."
"Woo hoo!  More partying!"
"Hold up my feet while I bulldog the keg."
"I don't seem to have nearly enough ammunition."
"I don't care how mean you wimps think it is, that was still pretty damn funny!"
"Dead yet?  No?  Well, you will be."
"So make sure you only listen to me when I decided to listen back.  And don't listen to me when I'm drunk, either."
"You cocky son of a bitch."
"I fear no man.  A man can bleed, and for that same reason, they can be killed." 
"A man's prolonged focus can only allow him to focus with tired eyes."
"You're abundant Eden is the same as my vast wasteland."
"You know, if you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I'd drink the water."
"Don't talk to strangers, shoot them."
"The reason you don't know as much about firearms as I do is that: one, you don't play enough violent video games, two you don't spend nearly enough time on the Internet, and three, you don't have any friends to tell you these things."
"Next time I need a friend like you, maybe I should take a shit and fish one out of my toilet."
"Aw, Quit your bitchin' lad!"
"You ask me why we do these things, and my answer will always be the same: Because it's good for you!"
"The reason you're here is because you're just as crazy as the rest of us."
"If you think I'm a nut-job, you obviously haven't met my father."
"A head of idle ideas is simply God's way of saying you need to stay up later."
"If you respect your woman, you respect your future.  Do you respect your future?"
"It's four very simple steps: Kiss, Snuggle, Make-out, Sex.  That's it."
"I'm not trying to double my money, fuck that shit."
"You call it social media.  I prefer the term 'antisocial media'."
"Revenge is like ice cream.  It's sweet, it's kind of a bitch, and it's best served cold." 
"You say I'm going to hell?  That's fine with me, It's only half full and there's plenty of room when you get there."
"Never wear religion or ethnicity on your sleeve, before anything else, you a human first."

Liberty and mindf for all...

As you know, the DLC for Bioshock: Infinite Burial at Sea part 2 debuted a few days ago.  Now, with this, I'm wondering how I could F up Cooper's mindset.  Two Coopers.  Maybe if he wanted to see all the different eventualities.  Maybe he wanted to know everything, like Colt does.  Maybe he wanted another chance at something.  Maybe there's a universe out there where I'm Cooper and I'm watching Colt's creator write this blog post.  Maybe you're Cooper watching me write about what Colt could do to you.  Maybe I'm Booker.  Maybe I'm Bentley.  Maybe I'm Neyla.  Maybe I'm Mason.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe...  Maybe my nose is bleeding.  Which one of me died this time?  Good story?  What do you think?

Dying 2D animation

Let us set the way back machine for about the year 2006 here in America.  CN was doing their road trip small themed layout where colorful characters like Scooby and the gang rolling around the town in their blue van as they pull up next to Johnny Bravo.  They begin casually conversing before challenging each other to a race,  the Mystery machine stalls out as Johnny drives away.  And then the Pokemon Movie featuring the cool Lucario comes back on.  I was 8 at the time and hanging out with my sister and our two friends.  We were sitting in their house watching this, we loved Pokemon at the time.  Among other things.  Where we loved Mechassault, Metal Arms, Tony Hawk, Guitar Hero, and Sonic.  (More Shadow than anything but you get the point.)  It was a good age, but why did I mention Scooby Doo, Johnny Bravo and Pokemon?  Because they were all 2D animation.  The pinnacle of modern entertainment at the time.  No computers backing these things.  This was timeless hand-drawn animation.  But the problem is that they are all part of a fading art.  That's right.  2D animation is suffering a slow and painful life-support induced comma.  They are practically clinically dead.  While the heroine, LSD, crack/cocaine, and Crystal Meth of our generation are taking center stage on our children's TV screens.  I'm talking about the annoying shows that our fat American children love today.  I'm talking about things like Regular Show, Uncle Grandpa, The Amazing World of Gumball, MAD (Which I somewhat like for a little while until I read the damned magazine and found out that CN had totally ruined their reputation).  The Annoying Orange (Which I unsubscribe to Danobe shortly after they went to TV.)  Teen Titans GO (Which, let's all admit; is just sad.)  and the ever popular Adventure Time.  Let me ask you something my early 00s children.  do any of you remember just plain Teen Titans?  I mean does anyone remember Slade Wilson?  One of Robin's most dangerous enemies?  He was actually, in a way; kind of cool.  He's like the Darth Vader of the DC universe.  He's got a sort of style to his torture to Robin.  It was cool and much like an anime series, which actually looked pretty good.  Now, The Annoying Orange, is a totally different story.  Where Danobe would take his face and put it on the faces of fruit.  For the longest time, I really liked the Annoying Orange when it was on YouTube.  Danobe announced his launch on CN in the summer of 2012 and I was excited for him.  But then I saw what his show was going to be like.  I thought to myself: This isn't the Danobe I remember.  What happened to the sitting in the kitchen, making bad jokes and his intoxicating laugh?  I can tell you right now that it left with him leaving the Internet.  I never watched another Danobe video after that.  Its just become sad.  Now onto more recent titles.  Shows like Gumball, Uncle Grandpa, Regular show, and Adventure Time were icons to a lot of things.  Regular show even has its own meme.  But the thing is, they're leaving the solid background of good, action filled and some comedic entertainment for cheaply animated shows and sleazy humor.  The shows I've seen nowadays have been plain disgusting.  Especially Uncle Grandpa and Gumball.  With terrible photo-real 2D animation and blend of strange claymation and box and board backgrounds.  Everything just looked like a model 2D world where they had random creatures built into it.  With a giant harry beast with his butt cheeks sticking out.  The fat father who seemed obsessed in walking around in his underwear and had his moobs flashing everyone.  And not to mention a banana who threw off his peeling and was swinging it in the air.  In Uncle Grandpa, it's a show about a strange man who looks like a pedophile wearing a lederhosen.  He does toe wrestling with a buff pizza wearing sunglasses.  If this doesn't spell 'Fueled by LSD' I don't know what does.  But why is Regular Show up here?  Well, because they all sound immature.  The gumball headed guy sounds like a whiny little bitch, but Rigby and Mordecai sound high 24 hours a day.  It's like Cartoon Network nowadays is fueled on drugs.  This is why the current lineup of CN shows has become the Cartel of children's Television.

Religious overthought

I was at my friend's church Christmas and the preacher said that our purpose, (After a long dragging rant about Jesus) is to love God no matter what.  I was sitting quietly in the back shaking my head.  I feel that God would seem kind of selfish if the only point in our existence was to love him.  If you have to rely on the love of a higher being that may or may not exist, then you don't love yourself.  This is why I wholeheartedly believe that the point of life is to live.  Take a moment to ponder this fact.  God gave us the gift of life, and by living a good life, we are fulfilling the gift that He gave us.  My sister's friend told me that it would be the most hilarious thing in the world if all of the over evangelical Christians went to hell, and that all of the people that went on living went to heaven.  I found this hilarious as well.  But suppose that there is no heaven or hell, suppose that we just rot in the ground.  Suppose that all of the metal heads in the world would instead go to some Valhalla and live out an eternal existence drinking, partying, listening to metal, and doing all the women they ever liked.  Man, that would be great.

West Boro Baptist assholes (Mature Content- Language)

            Back to religious dumb asses are the Westboro Baptists.  Always carrying around those stupid fucking signs.  God hates Jews, God hates Fags, God hates Soldiers, God hates Apple products.  God hates Steve Jobs?  Apparently God is an Avid user of Microsoft, he must like the fact that he doesn't have to update his Face Book image manually anymore, because windows 8 spies on you by taking pictures of you.  Also, these dipshits picket funerals for the dumbest of reasons.  I swear, one guy was beaten to death by two other guys because they thought the guy was gay.  And the Westboro assholes were all over this shit.  They were like, this guy deserved it because he is gay and gay is not the way god intended it.  Since when do these jack-offs get to decide what god decrees?  I thought that God gave us free will.  Apparently these people are not exactly ready for this.  If they have a right to burn down gay people's houses, then we should have a right to burn those west boro assholes at the stake.  Just like in Ancient Rome, the same thing they did to that Jebus guy who they mention every five seconds.

Preaches- Overzealous religious people (Mature content- Language)

            Now here are a few people who have been repeatedly pissing me off recently.  First on my list of people who should burn for eternity, ironically enough on this list is overzealous Christians, the beef I have with these people are the fact that they don't understand that religion has been the number one cause of war and death in the world.  All manner of different ethnic groups and religion nuts taking turns killing each other because they thought god told them it was a good idea.  Now don't get me wrong I do believe that there is a god who created all of us who has ten things that he'll send you to a pit of fire to burn for eternity if you do them and who also loves us very much, but maybe I'm taking it to hard on him, maybe it's not all his fault for all of this mess.  Maybe it's the fucking dumbasses who screw up all of is heavenly e-mails.  You know who messes up and misinterprets all of god's messages, Clergymen.  Any douche bag who believes the fact that he read some book with a cross on its cover to cover allows him to personally communicate with the almighty is completely full of shit.  You know who can communicate with god?  Dead people.  The deceased are the only people in the world who can communicate with god.  Do you know why?  Because they're fucking dead!  Praying does nothing, and you know what else pisses god off?  When he gets the majority of his prayers on his day off.

Satire- Parental control

(I wrote this in the first person as I previously anticipated it to be spoken in front of a live audience)

Satire in Carlin form

            You know what grinds me up about parents?  The fact that they are full of crap at least half the time.  I'd like a little consistency in my parenthood.  I'd rather have parents who prove to me that life sucks and it's going to come fast.  Or semi-realistic parents who care.  Not to say that my parents don't care--because they do--because they prove to me over and over that the world is inconsistent and entirely unaccountable for anything.  

            The thing that really bugs me is that because they're full of crap half the time and the fact that most of the things they say are terribly inconsistent and that just makes me think of one reasonable conclusion.  Every parent needs serious help for Bipolar personality disorder.   Whenever we're at a restaurant and they're having a good time and my sister and I are having a good time, I say "God I love you people."  Whenever they're terribly pessimistic and telling me that my dreams will never come true because they're children's dreams and that I'm a mega idiot or nimrod or whatever because I forgot to turn in a half-point summative assignment. The main thing that bugs me about this is that they're also trying to encourage me to think like a child and have all original ideas, so you're going to have to figure that one out yourself.  But they want me to be all Einstein and do everything and be the perfect child.  But whenever I mess up a test or forget an assignment--it's all, "You're gonna fail", "You're Stupid", "You're going to be turnin' a wrench your whole life", "You're going to be learning Spanish with the illegal immigrant workers real soon."  Everything is the same.  No one says, "just do it tonight and tell the teacher that you're sorry for the grading inconvenience."  No one says that.  Apparently it didn't occur to my parents that I understand that I messed something up.  All it is, is them rubbing it in. 

            It's going to be great when I can come home to not complaining.  And they always told me not to complain.  All of this just boils down to eighteen years of parental hypocritical complaining of them trying to take credit for my minor scholastic achievements.  Every day they tell me "Son, I hope you invent some million dollar idea that will support us in our retirement", or "I want you to write a new song and be the next Justin Berber (So you can make a billion dollars and support us when we retire)."

            That's all it is, and you'd better get used to it folks--you better get used to it because it will only stop after one of two things happen.  Either the untimely death of your superiors or when you get your own house.  But, the problem with having your own house is that now you get harangued by your boss at work.  The only good thing is that you have all the liberty in the world to go on the internet, go to fmylife.com, and complain about it because no one is there to tell you not to complain.

            Another reason I think my parents do this is because of my Cousin C.J. I'm pretty sure you're already wondering, "Well Colt, what's wrong with your cousin C.J.?"  Again don't get me wrong, I love my cousin but he's making me look bad and giving my parents a bad example.  He was taught his ABCs at six months old!  He maintained above a 6.0 GPA and got a perfect score on his SATs.  Here's where I stop understanding him, is that UMBC gave him a full scholarship and he turned it down! But now he lives in California and (Other than women) he's studying to become an aerospace engineer.  He's the same story as Ben Franklin, the chicks dig him because he's a genius.  He's raising my family's standards.  Now they compare me to C.J. and that means I have to be perfect!  Just like him!  But you know what, at least my parents know that if I can't become a freaking astronaut, that I have the mental capacity to write a few good songs, so that way they can live in a mansion for their retirement and give it to their grandchildren.  If they wind up in a home after all, they'll know that I've overcome their attempts to warp my mind into giving them all of my money so they could live out all of the things they never did themselves. 

            This reminds me over and over that America will always depend on the next generation.  Because the previous generation is either one of three things: Twisted and warped into a government drone; a scumbag politician, businessman, lawyer, or lobbyist; or just plain fat and lazy.  I think it's time to start our new political party, after all of these connections from parents to examples set by others to the big three American slackers.  We'll even give it a cool acronym for those youngsters out there.  We'll call it GINTA.  Government Is Not The Answer.  Thank you very much ladies and gentleman.

Satire- Government Bans

Satire- Can banning everything that's harmful save millions?

            Another shooting in Mike Rotch High school has once again left our nation in shock.  The government has finally decided that they are fed up with all of the violence and the violent natures of these students.  Therefore, the US government has officially decided to end all of the violence once and for all by abolishing the second amendment and taking away all guns from houses.  They've decided after much consideration (Because guns can kill people that they should be treated as equals to humanity) that all guns are to be persecuted to the full extent of the law.  Any American made guns are to be melted down and made into steel polls for which will be sold in Las Vegas for $50 per foot.  Other foreign-built weapons (Such as Italy's Berretta series, Russia's  Kalashnikov AK series, and Belgium's FAL series) are to be deported to their countries of origin.  Fortunately for the people, the government said nothing about taking away knives, scissors, kitana blades no longer than seven and a half feet, and chainsaws or harmful blunt objects, such as Baseball bats, sledge hammers, or the porcelain top of the bathroom toilets.  Other Americans are happy that they'll still have their lighters, hand grenades, AT mines, Claymores, SMAW rocket launchers and RPG-9s.  But don't worry! Congress has already said they are working on a ban for blunt, sharp, fire-related, and explosive objects as they are all equally as dangerous.  The government then found that they could also prevent a number of other deaths just by banning simple retail products.

            The United States Dept. of Transportation shows that the number of people who have died from automobile accidents have increased over 57% over the past year according to Fox republican fear news.  The government had soon figured out a way to keep all Americans safe knowing that because of the fact that the news corporations that they had purchased the previous year had allowed them to strike fear into the hearts of Americans, allowing them more power to make sure all Americans are safe.  Congress had soon began drafting a bill to prevent the creation and distribution of automobiles throughout the United States.  Alan Mulally, President and CEO of Ford Motor industries stated the following during a press conference in Detroit: "I'm personally all for the passage of this law, as I've found that aside from the dangers that driving and owning an automobile comes with, it had recently occurred to me that an American worker can't build an automobile worth anything anymore.  The only way I'll be able to maintain my riches is if I join the rush over to the pollution-infested China where I can destroy all the atmosphere I'll ever want and the workers will work an entire day for a nickel. And where me and my other associates could possibly catch Bird flu and die in the next few months."  This exit was then greeted with enthusiastic cheers from the crowd.  One of which was noted of saying: "Good job sir, giving up our country's economy for the safety of Americans everywhere! Yay!"  Intelligence suggests that Mr. Mulally is serious about his immigration to China.  Henceforth, with no further automobile production, no more car accidents.  People are much safer walking fifteen miles to their jobs now.  Especially since they won't be able to be mugged as no one has any sort of harmful weapons.  The government had soon realized how easy and how obvious it had become to reduce the American people's freedoms in order to induce safety into the citizen's lives. 

            The national Food and Drug administration has done partnered research with the American Red Cross and has stumbled upon some astonishing findings which were later presented to congress in a presentation given by representatives from both the FDA and the ARC.  It seems that the effect of all types of food has the exact same effect as cigarettes, crack, and heroine in which some are morbidly attracted to food.  As well, silverware gives the same satisfaction of delivering food to one's mouth as it is while delivering a cigarette to one's mouth.  Therefore, the government is passing legislation that bans all edible products from our country as well as melting down silverware to be used to make random steel plates for no apparent reason, though the people insist that the government has a plan of what to do with these random steel plates.  Democratic-Socialist Mark Carl, stated the following plan for the mass production of steel: "The government has decided after much careful planning and a few hundred actually competent congressmen later that we would sell these beautiful steel structures to benefactors such as China and North Korea."  Once again, Mr. Carl was asked to attempt a seat for presidency.  Now with no food and no silverware, people are becoming much thinner than ever before, obesity is soon to be extinct, and there is now an overflow of models volunteering to be on the cover of popular magazines such as Sports Illustrated.  Recently obesity sufferer Chelsea  Summers now model stated the following in a Hollywood press conference: "You know I weighed somewhere about one hundred two pounds before, but now that there's no food to get me fat, I'm down to twenty six pounds and I've never felt better!"

            The United States has been radically improved in every way since the first bans have come about.  The government has now reverted back to the violence issue.  Sure, people have no guns or weapons of any kind to kill each other with, but they've decided that violent thoughts are generated through outside sources, such as video games and movies.  This idea that such games or movies including any kind of violent nature, be it fist fighting, shooting, or hateful language are to be banned from all retail and all currently circulating games with any content of the like are to be recalled from all households.  The government isn't stopping there good citizens. Oh no.  They've decided that some board games or card games can lead to violent or immoral behavior.  Chess is banned as it is believed to be an allegory for war strategy, and Risk is banned as it encourages violent military takeover.  Hungry, Hungry Hippos is banned because it encourages gluttony, as is all of the Kirby© games.  Poker and Texas Hold Em' and other money-related card games are said to encourage greed, as are games such as Life and Monopoly.  Some games are banned for other reasons outside immorality.  Tag is banned because it encourages victimization, so does Sorry! and Trouble. Dodge ball is banned because it is exclusionary, so are other social sports like Baseball, Football, Soccer, and any other ball-related games.  Fox Republican fear news reporters interviewed some of the children to see what they thought.  One little boy at Little Richard Elementary said the following:  "I think it's great that we aren't allowed to do any of the things that we didn't realize were wrong to do in the past.  The government saved us from our own ignorance."  It's great to see kids mature so fast.  It's going to be great when they're the ones running this beautiful country. 

            There you have it ladies and gentleman.  The government has successfully eliminated all forms of violent, gluttonous, dangerous, and immoral behavior from the American nation.  So if you're trying to pick a government to trust; why not this one?