West Boro Baptist assholes (Mature Content- Language)

            Back to religious dumb asses are the Westboro Baptists.  Always carrying around those stupid fucking signs.  God hates Jews, God hates Fags, God hates Soldiers, God hates Apple products.  God hates Steve Jobs?  Apparently God is an Avid user of Microsoft, he must like the fact that he doesn't have to update his Face Book image manually anymore, because windows 8 spies on you by taking pictures of you.  Also, these dipshits picket funerals for the dumbest of reasons.  I swear, one guy was beaten to death by two other guys because they thought the guy was gay.  And the Westboro assholes were all over this shit.  They were like, this guy deserved it because he is gay and gay is not the way god intended it.  Since when do these jack-offs get to decide what god decrees?  I thought that God gave us free will.  Apparently these people are not exactly ready for this.  If they have a right to burn down gay people's houses, then we should have a right to burn those west boro assholes at the stake.  Just like in Ancient Rome, the same thing they did to that Jebus guy who they mention every five seconds.

Preaches- Overzealous religious people (Mature content- Language)

            Now here are a few people who have been repeatedly pissing me off recently.  First on my list of people who should burn for eternity, ironically enough on this list is overzealous Christians, the beef I have with these people are the fact that they don't understand that religion has been the number one cause of war and death in the world.  All manner of different ethnic groups and religion nuts taking turns killing each other because they thought god told them it was a good idea.  Now don't get me wrong I do believe that there is a god who created all of us who has ten things that he'll send you to a pit of fire to burn for eternity if you do them and who also loves us very much, but maybe I'm taking it to hard on him, maybe it's not all his fault for all of this mess.  Maybe it's the fucking dumbasses who screw up all of is heavenly e-mails.  You know who messes up and misinterprets all of god's messages, Clergymen.  Any douche bag who believes the fact that he read some book with a cross on its cover to cover allows him to personally communicate with the almighty is completely full of shit.  You know who can communicate with god?  Dead people.  The deceased are the only people in the world who can communicate with god.  Do you know why?  Because they're fucking dead!  Praying does nothing, and you know what else pisses god off?  When he gets the majority of his prayers on his day off.

Satire- Parental control

(I wrote this in the first person as I previously anticipated it to be spoken in front of a live audience)

Satire in Carlin form

            You know what grinds me up about parents?  The fact that they are full of crap at least half the time.  I'd like a little consistency in my parenthood.  I'd rather have parents who prove to me that life sucks and it's going to come fast.  Or semi-realistic parents who care.  Not to say that my parents don't care--because they do--because they prove to me over and over that the world is inconsistent and entirely unaccountable for anything.  

            The thing that really bugs me is that because they're full of crap half the time and the fact that most of the things they say are terribly inconsistent and that just makes me think of one reasonable conclusion.  Every parent needs serious help for Bipolar personality disorder.   Whenever we're at a restaurant and they're having a good time and my sister and I are having a good time, I say "God I love you people."  Whenever they're terribly pessimistic and telling me that my dreams will never come true because they're children's dreams and that I'm a mega idiot or nimrod or whatever because I forgot to turn in a half-point summative assignment. The main thing that bugs me about this is that they're also trying to encourage me to think like a child and have all original ideas, so you're going to have to figure that one out yourself.  But they want me to be all Einstein and do everything and be the perfect child.  But whenever I mess up a test or forget an assignment--it's all, "You're gonna fail", "You're Stupid", "You're going to be turnin' a wrench your whole life", "You're going to be learning Spanish with the illegal immigrant workers real soon."  Everything is the same.  No one says, "just do it tonight and tell the teacher that you're sorry for the grading inconvenience."  No one says that.  Apparently it didn't occur to my parents that I understand that I messed something up.  All it is, is them rubbing it in. 

            It's going to be great when I can come home to not complaining.  And they always told me not to complain.  All of this just boils down to eighteen years of parental hypocritical complaining of them trying to take credit for my minor scholastic achievements.  Every day they tell me "Son, I hope you invent some million dollar idea that will support us in our retirement", or "I want you to write a new song and be the next Justin Berber (So you can make a billion dollars and support us when we retire)."

            That's all it is, and you'd better get used to it folks--you better get used to it because it will only stop after one of two things happen.  Either the untimely death of your superiors or when you get your own house.  But, the problem with having your own house is that now you get harangued by your boss at work.  The only good thing is that you have all the liberty in the world to go on the internet, go to fmylife.com, and complain about it because no one is there to tell you not to complain.

            Another reason I think my parents do this is because of my Cousin C.J. I'm pretty sure you're already wondering, "Well Colt, what's wrong with your cousin C.J.?"  Again don't get me wrong, I love my cousin but he's making me look bad and giving my parents a bad example.  He was taught his ABCs at six months old!  He maintained above a 6.0 GPA and got a perfect score on his SATs.  Here's where I stop understanding him, is that UMBC gave him a full scholarship and he turned it down! But now he lives in California and (Other than women) he's studying to become an aerospace engineer.  He's the same story as Ben Franklin, the chicks dig him because he's a genius.  He's raising my family's standards.  Now they compare me to C.J. and that means I have to be perfect!  Just like him!  But you know what, at least my parents know that if I can't become a freaking astronaut, that I have the mental capacity to write a few good songs, so that way they can live in a mansion for their retirement and give it to their grandchildren.  If they wind up in a home after all, they'll know that I've overcome their attempts to warp my mind into giving them all of my money so they could live out all of the things they never did themselves. 

            This reminds me over and over that America will always depend on the next generation.  Because the previous generation is either one of three things: Twisted and warped into a government drone; a scumbag politician, businessman, lawyer, or lobbyist; or just plain fat and lazy.  I think it's time to start our new political party, after all of these connections from parents to examples set by others to the big three American slackers.  We'll even give it a cool acronym for those youngsters out there.  We'll call it GINTA.  Government Is Not The Answer.  Thank you very much ladies and gentleman.

Satire- Government Bans

Satire- Can banning everything that's harmful save millions?

            Another shooting in Mike Rotch High school has once again left our nation in shock.  The government has finally decided that they are fed up with all of the violence and the violent natures of these students.  Therefore, the US government has officially decided to end all of the violence once and for all by abolishing the second amendment and taking away all guns from houses.  They've decided after much consideration (Because guns can kill people that they should be treated as equals to humanity) that all guns are to be persecuted to the full extent of the law.  Any American made guns are to be melted down and made into steel polls for which will be sold in Las Vegas for $50 per foot.  Other foreign-built weapons (Such as Italy's Berretta series, Russia's  Kalashnikov AK series, and Belgium's FAL series) are to be deported to their countries of origin.  Fortunately for the people, the government said nothing about taking away knives, scissors, kitana blades no longer than seven and a half feet, and chainsaws or harmful blunt objects, such as Baseball bats, sledge hammers, or the porcelain top of the bathroom toilets.  Other Americans are happy that they'll still have their lighters, hand grenades, AT mines, Claymores, SMAW rocket launchers and RPG-9s.  But don't worry! Congress has already said they are working on a ban for blunt, sharp, fire-related, and explosive objects as they are all equally as dangerous.  The government then found that they could also prevent a number of other deaths just by banning simple retail products.

            The United States Dept. of Transportation shows that the number of people who have died from automobile accidents have increased over 57% over the past year according to Fox republican fear news.  The government had soon figured out a way to keep all Americans safe knowing that because of the fact that the news corporations that they had purchased the previous year had allowed them to strike fear into the hearts of Americans, allowing them more power to make sure all Americans are safe.  Congress had soon began drafting a bill to prevent the creation and distribution of automobiles throughout the United States.  Alan Mulally, President and CEO of Ford Motor industries stated the following during a press conference in Detroit: "I'm personally all for the passage of this law, as I've found that aside from the dangers that driving and owning an automobile comes with, it had recently occurred to me that an American worker can't build an automobile worth anything anymore.  The only way I'll be able to maintain my riches is if I join the rush over to the pollution-infested China where I can destroy all the atmosphere I'll ever want and the workers will work an entire day for a nickel. And where me and my other associates could possibly catch Bird flu and die in the next few months."  This exit was then greeted with enthusiastic cheers from the crowd.  One of which was noted of saying: "Good job sir, giving up our country's economy for the safety of Americans everywhere! Yay!"  Intelligence suggests that Mr. Mulally is serious about his immigration to China.  Henceforth, with no further automobile production, no more car accidents.  People are much safer walking fifteen miles to their jobs now.  Especially since they won't be able to be mugged as no one has any sort of harmful weapons.  The government had soon realized how easy and how obvious it had become to reduce the American people's freedoms in order to induce safety into the citizen's lives. 

            The national Food and Drug administration has done partnered research with the American Red Cross and has stumbled upon some astonishing findings which were later presented to congress in a presentation given by representatives from both the FDA and the ARC.  It seems that the effect of all types of food has the exact same effect as cigarettes, crack, and heroine in which some are morbidly attracted to food.  As well, silverware gives the same satisfaction of delivering food to one's mouth as it is while delivering a cigarette to one's mouth.  Therefore, the government is passing legislation that bans all edible products from our country as well as melting down silverware to be used to make random steel plates for no apparent reason, though the people insist that the government has a plan of what to do with these random steel plates.  Democratic-Socialist Mark Carl, stated the following plan for the mass production of steel: "The government has decided after much careful planning and a few hundred actually competent congressmen later that we would sell these beautiful steel structures to benefactors such as China and North Korea."  Once again, Mr. Carl was asked to attempt a seat for presidency.  Now with no food and no silverware, people are becoming much thinner than ever before, obesity is soon to be extinct, and there is now an overflow of models volunteering to be on the cover of popular magazines such as Sports Illustrated.  Recently obesity sufferer Chelsea  Summers now model stated the following in a Hollywood press conference: "You know I weighed somewhere about one hundred two pounds before, but now that there's no food to get me fat, I'm down to twenty six pounds and I've never felt better!"

            The United States has been radically improved in every way since the first bans have come about.  The government has now reverted back to the violence issue.  Sure, people have no guns or weapons of any kind to kill each other with, but they've decided that violent thoughts are generated through outside sources, such as video games and movies.  This idea that such games or movies including any kind of violent nature, be it fist fighting, shooting, or hateful language are to be banned from all retail and all currently circulating games with any content of the like are to be recalled from all households.  The government isn't stopping there good citizens. Oh no.  They've decided that some board games or card games can lead to violent or immoral behavior.  Chess is banned as it is believed to be an allegory for war strategy, and Risk is banned as it encourages violent military takeover.  Hungry, Hungry Hippos is banned because it encourages gluttony, as is all of the Kirby© games.  Poker and Texas Hold Em' and other money-related card games are said to encourage greed, as are games such as Life and Monopoly.  Some games are banned for other reasons outside immorality.  Tag is banned because it encourages victimization, so does Sorry! and Trouble. Dodge ball is banned because it is exclusionary, so are other social sports like Baseball, Football, Soccer, and any other ball-related games.  Fox Republican fear news reporters interviewed some of the children to see what they thought.  One little boy at Little Richard Elementary said the following:  "I think it's great that we aren't allowed to do any of the things that we didn't realize were wrong to do in the past.  The government saved us from our own ignorance."  It's great to see kids mature so fast.  It's going to be great when they're the ones running this beautiful country. 

            There you have it ladies and gentleman.  The government has successfully eliminated all forms of violent, gluttonous, dangerous, and immoral behavior from the American nation.  So if you're trying to pick a government to trust; why not this one?

Rules To Live By

A few helpful rules published by the Smartest Ham in the world, Billy Ray Racheal

1. Trust no one comrade!
2. Protect yourself at all times
3. Everyone wants your money
4. Knowledge is Power
5. Don't take yourself or others too seriously
6. Do something fun at lest once each day
7. Remember-- No good deed goes unpunished
8. Anything freely given is never appreciated
9. Take what you can & give nothing back
10. GINTA!-- Government Is Not The Answer
11. Image is Everything
12. Cash is king